Frustration

Some days, all I can do is scream.

I’ve got to scream, because punching something like an inadament object does no good, and only hurts you, and punching people isn’t something I’ve ever made a habit out of doing. Being a peacemaker has been a lifelong thing for me, not a trend to latch onto when “Irresistible Revolution” scame out a few years ago.

So instead of lashing out, I contemplate. I weigh things, navigate a variety of emotions, and in the end…detach.

That’s where I’ve been lately. I’ve detached. A certain situation has been going on in my family for close to a year now, and it’s been a up and down roller coaster ride of emotions. Some good, most bad. It involves family members who are close to me, and family members who’s closeness has only ever been related to physical proximity in a room.

Tonight, I found out that the family member I’m close to is going to get news next week that’s going to forever change the course of her life. For a second time. In LESS THAN A YEAR. She’s young, and she’s going to be sent through a tornado of emotions and pain because of the idiocy of others. And I can’t do a damn. thing. about it.

For months, I’ve sat back, had to watch it all unfold, and stay silent. When I have spoken up, and offered words of encouragement and heartfelt words of concern over the situation, I was railed against. I’m not saying that because I feel like a martyr. I don’t. But the behavior was indicative. Indicative of the endgame; indicative of the mindset of the others involved. And indicative of exactly where this was going to go.

I’ll be honest. I’ve prayed. Alot. I’ve leaned on Scripture for comfort. I’ve done all the things a Christian is supposed to do. But right now, I just want to beat the hell out of the people involved that are going to inflict this pain next week. They’ve been planning it for weeks. She’ll never see it coming. They’ve been resolved that this is what is going to happen. She asks when she can go home.

Honestly, I don’t need to hear that “God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle.” And knowing that “all things work together for good for those who love God” isn’t helping me. People are doing things, knowing it’s going to hurt someone, and they’re thinking of their own comfort and desires (while masking it in doing “what’s best for her”) as primary. The amount of rage that wells up is unfathomable. It brings out emotions so deep that at times it physically takes my breath away.

There’s an instinctive trigger inside us all, that when confronted with something traumatic, we go into self-preservation mode. So that is, for the time being, me. I’m in self-preservation mode. My only option is to detach emotions. Detach from those who are causing this, knowing that no advice, no words, no reasoning will ever do any good with them. They are right. Always. And when they’re wrong, they’re still right. Impossible you say? You’d think so, but they’re not. ever. wrong. Ever.

EVER.

Detachment is my self-preservation. If I detach, I remove emotion from them, their actions, their selfishness, stupidity, lies, and deception. I focus my energy on the victim in this situation, because the perpetrators aren’t worth it. We all have worth. We are all precious to God. But the perpetrators, right now, aren’t worth it. I don’t know if they’ll ever be in my mind. Right now, I don’t care. So I don’t do anything stupid myself. I don’t react, I don’t lash out, and I certainly don’t say anything. But they’ve shown their cards, I know who they are. Today I’m ashamed to say I’m related to them.

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Comments

  • terri hendon  On April 8, 2011 at 6:50 am

    Bro, I understand. There are no words I can say that can make you feel better. But know this. God loves her more than you do. He also wants what’s best for her. What ever happens, He will give her grace and strength in the face of disappointment, even if she doesn’t understand. Circumstances are out of control, and it sucks. Just don’t detach from the people that matter. Love you. Praying…..

  • Jeffrey  On April 8, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Thank you Terri. I appreciate you tons.

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